at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
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goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone