Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
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waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.