the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
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When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
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4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us