I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
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Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”