I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
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5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Discuss
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
それは草
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?