If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
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How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
what are they serving at kfc then???
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.