Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
You Might Also Like
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I don’t hate children, just yours.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.