I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
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me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
there are only 2 generations:
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-Tik Toks