Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
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me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.