My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
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using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
the worm is coming from inside the brain
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT