Given the memory span of a goldfish…
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Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?