If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
You Might Also Like
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Lmfaoooooo
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken