[loses house key, starts a new life]
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Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture