Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
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Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Oh deer
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Meow
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.