Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
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Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.