all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
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I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?