I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
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*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.