[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Said the murderer.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex