You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
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I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Succinctly put.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard