I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
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I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Lmao the reply
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.