OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
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Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
A choir of Spring onions
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere