Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
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Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…