I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
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“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.