CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
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You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.