my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
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Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Good boy 😂😂
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket