I falcon love using swear birds
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I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
#Caturday
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra