8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
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She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭