2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
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The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
What if the weather talks about us?
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
my first dose meeting my second
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*