Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
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The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Goodnight 🐶
what day is it?
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.