got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
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ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours