absolute chaos
You Might Also Like
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied