*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
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Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”