I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
You Might Also Like
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
me after eating Cheetos
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.