A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
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All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?