Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
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and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
How actors in movies eat their food
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’