I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
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“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
No, I don’t think I will.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.