Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
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Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.