Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
You Might Also Like
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket