hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
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If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
That’s no pocket rocket.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves