Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
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I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
Who says great literature is dead?
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Is this the real life?
Is this just
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear