In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
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[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Never ghost your hitman.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”