Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
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I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Covid like
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween