If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
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Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?