[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
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Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Stop sending me this shit.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”