DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
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You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Is….Is this an option?
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.