What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
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Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T