EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
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I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Me if I was a dog
Just a friendly reminder!
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.