the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
You Might Also Like
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.