Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
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A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share