“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
You Might Also Like
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood